So for the past week my body has been playing a nasty joke on me. My menstrual cycle is usually never late, and if it is it is only late by ONE day MAX; well, this month it decided to hold off for a bit.
The first couple of days that it didn't come I didn't think to much of it. Once day 4 came around I started to get super excited that this might be the month where Brad and I finally get pregnant!! I mean seriously who wouldn't after almost 3 years of waiting to have a kid wouldn't start thinking they were possibly pregnant? So day 5 I took a pregnancy test...negative. But I still had hope, my body is so messed up anyways that it will probably take till I am 2 months pregnant before it would read pregnant, so I didn't read to much into it. The excitement grew and my head exploded with ideas and plans. This morning I took another pregnancy test and once again "not pregnant", but still didn't read much into it because my body wasn't having it's typical "before the menstrual cycle routine".. then around noon it it hit me hard.... bummer
I still don't know why it had to play such a mean, horrible, nasty trick on me. My life hasn't been stressful in the least, this month has actually been a lot less stressful then normal. I had a tiny tiny cold but usually that doesn't throw my cycle off. I don't know. All I know is that Brad and I are super bummed. I'm so tired of this game. I'm so tired of waiting and seeing everyone else get the wonderful blessing of parenthood. I'm so tired of putting on a smile and being happy for everyone when deep down it stings my soul.I am so tired of the tears and all the shirts that Brad has with mascara stains, the constant heart ache, and a quite house... when will it be our turn? I want to be a mom more then anything in the world. It is my dream career!
I feel so broken, Brad and I are trying our hardest to live our life in a way our Heavenly Father would be proud. We are doing our best. I know my Heavenly Father loves Brad and I, this is just a trial we both have to endure... at least we have each other and we don't have to do it alone. It is just sometimes harder to bear then other times.
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHugs and love coming your way!
ReplyDeleteHugs and love coming your way!
ReplyDeleteMadison,
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I randomly came across your blog, but probably for a reason. My husband and I are also struggling to start our family. And I know the heart ache that you feel. If you ever need to talk or want to vent I'm here. It's such a hard trial to go through and I think it's important to know that you're definitely not alone.
McKenzee
Oh Madison I am so very sorry! You are not alone and I know sometimes its hard to be happy for others when you wish it was you. I know you just want to scream and say why me and what is wrong with me but god picks when its our time to be parents not us I know that is so hard to understand. I am here for you Madison you are such a strong and amazing girl. I look up to you. Miss you Anni Bates!
ReplyDelete